Maybe I should see that doctor....

Between calls today, and on lunch, I've found myself reading a particularly intriguing blog. I don't recall where I stumbled upon it - I think on "notable blogs" - but that's not really relevant to the thoughts bouncing in my head.

http://thesplinteredmind.blogspot.com/

He writes about being an adult with ADHD, and the challenges it brings to everyday life. I'll admit, I've thought about it on occassion and wondered if I display some of the symptoms of ADD. I don't believe I have the hyperactivity - but I do display some of the other traits, such as hyperfocusing, easily distracted, rarely (if ever) finishing a project, and procrastinating. I know that in the last couple of years, my mother has been diagnosed with ADD. I am aware that this doesn't automatically mean that I have it...but, what if?
I keep telling myself that it sounds silly, that its just the product of living life in today's world. I keep telling myself that I can't run to the doctor with every little suspicion I may have about my life or my reactions. I feel like a hypochondriac. "Yes, doctor, I have a sniffle....do I have pneumonia?" Oddly enough, I rarely go to the doctor at all. I dislike doctors....well, not the doctors themselves so much as the effort it takes to get to the doctor, the sheer amount of time it takes to wait. Not to mention the incredible restless boredom that builds - regardless of any form of entertainment I bring - that has a leg bouncing so hard and fast that it vibrates the chair two down from me. Or the numbness in the brain....that feel that means you almost don't realize that it is, indeed, your name being called by the nurse and you end up just staring at her like she's just sprouted tentacles out of her head for half a minute.
Then there's the thought of "And what if I do have it?" What then? Does it truly change anything in my life to have this diagnosis? Does it suddenly make everything that much better or more tolerable? Not to mention medication....I hate pills. I rarely remember to take them for more than a few days at a time...I still have prenatal pills from both pregnancies, and my daughter's a year old. I've never refilled those. I know that my mother is on medication for depression and sleep...and I desperately don't want to be on pills for the rest of my life at the age of 32.
Reading this blog has actually been beneficial, I think. Oh, I don't know that I'm ready to call the doctor and sit for an hour or more while she scrutinizes me. I imagine she's inwardly rolling her eyes and thinking "not another one". I feel like she's judging me, thinking that I'm paranoid. In all likeliness, she's probably not thinking anything of the sort.
Back to the blog... its helped me understand a few things, even if it is just on a cursory level at the moment. In his posts, he lists some symptoms from a book....I'm not sure of the reference to be honest with you, but its there on his blog... and the first few I've read, are me. I mean..they really are. I do those things..,.maybe not for the exact reasons listed, but pretty similar.
Why do I get so easily distracted? Because I have a hard time focusing....thoughts come out faster than I can record them....or speak them, often times. When I write, my brain is four steps ahead of my hand...and it results in entire sentances missing from whatever I'm working on. More ofthen than not, it leads to copious amounts of single words being left out. It isn't just that. Its the fact that I can't seem to complete anything...it takes way too long. I learned to knit and crochet when I was younger...I think I half managed to finish a chain in each. I've never done either again. I still have a smattering of ceramic things I started to paint 2 years ago, and haven't finished. These are only a couple examples of the string of things left incomplete during my lifetime.
I procrastinate. Why? Because I simply "don't want to" or "don't feel like it". How long have I put off cleaning the music room that so desperately needs it? At least a month now. Why? Because I look at it and sigh. Partly, I'm afraid of what I'm going to find. Its been accumulating junk for nearly a year now, and one of the cats practically lives in there. Scratch that...she does live in there - often opting to come out only for food and petting. I look in that room and my first thought is "Where do I begin?" I groan inwardly...and promptly get distracted with something else - or assign another room in the house a higher priortiy, usually with the exuse that said room hasn't been done in awhile either, and its more visible than the music room.
Again, it isn't just the music room - or the house in general. Its phone calls, making lunch for the kids the night before instead of scrambling in the morning, getting myself organized, grocery shopping, even shopping in general. Its loosing weight, becoming more active, achieving my goal and desire to become a writer, and a myriad of other things that I can't think of right now.
In the end, I feel worthless because I haven't accomplished cleaning the music room, or gone to the grocery store, or accomplished the arm length list of things to do in my day. Nevermind that I worked an 8 hour day, spent time with the kids, got them ready for bed....or that I cleaned the living room and kitchen, maybe even a little bit of my bedroom.
Maybe I should see that doctor.....